a little peek at where i was in march...

This is a post I wrote a little less than a month before I got married.  It's quite long and deep, so buckle up.  And up next should be a post with pictures (if I can get my camera to start working!).
<3

I have felt so many things this week.  I've felt so loved by so many people and yet let down by the people that are supposed to be closest to me.

If I've learned anything in life, it's that people are not dependable.  They lie, they make promises they don't keep, they let you down.  Not to say that I am not guilty of these things.  God has been working on my heart for the past 6 months to be a woman of my word.  To stick to the things I say and be consistent.  This is really hard for me to do.  I am quite happy to stay in my comfort zone of being alone, but have missed so much because of this.  Not to say that I haven't stepped out occasionally, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do as I get closer to moving and leaving behind everyone I've known.  It is easy to keep my heart closed so I don't get any closer to people.  So it doesn't hurt so bad when I leave.  So I don't feel so lonely when I have no one.  It has become really difficult for me to invest my time or heart into people that I will not speak to in a year.  And yet.  Every moment is an opportunity for impact, whether we realize it or not.

I think I've been running from things my whole life.  Things that make me uncomfortable or things that hurt.  I run from things that aren't easy, because it is easier to run than to stay and fix the problem.  I avoid confrontations by bottling up things and keeping them to myself instead of sharing my heart with the ones closest to me.  It has been easier for me to shut my heart down than to hurt as badly as I have in the past.  And in turn, I have hurt the one person I never want to hurt.

I want to be someone that people see as stable and strong and consistent.  I want to create a home that radiates with love.  Where people leave with seeds planted in their hearts and their spirits a little more full.  I want my home to be a safe haven for everyone, but I especially want it to be a place of healing for my and his hearts in particular.  Although I have dealt with a lot of things in the past year that I've needed to deal with, I still don't think those wounds are completely healed.  It takes time, and I understand that.  But during the process I think I've caused more damage than anything.

Maybe growth starts with a tearing down of the old.  And so as I gear up to start out my life as a married woman, a whole new horizon comes into view.  I have no idea what lies ahead, which is scary and very inconvenient for my planning self.  I just have to let go and trust that God has the perfect job for me and the perfect job for him, a place for us in a church, and good friends that will invest in us and that we can invest into.  That He knows what spots in our hearts we need to heal in each other.  That He knows the areas we will be stretched in as we adjust to a new way of life and learn how to walk in that.

From today's God Calling:

"You do not know all that this time of converse with Me will mean to you.  Did not My servant Isaiah say, 'They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.'

Persevere in all I tell you to do.  The persistent carrying out of My commands, My desires, will unfailingly bring you, as far as spiritual, mental, and temporal things are concerned, to that place where you would be.

If you look back over My Words to you, you will see that My leading has been very gradual, and that only as you have carried out My wishes, have I been able to give you more clear and definite teaching and guidance.  Man's ecstasy is God's touch on quickened, responsive, spirit-nerves.  Joy.  Joy.  Joy."

The last part strikes home with me today in particular.  As I look back over the past year, I can see His hand making a path for me and guiding me gently along that path.  At the beginning of 2009, I couldn't have imagined I would be standing where I am today.  But as I have walked the path of the unknown, so to speak, I can clearly see the things that were needed--the breaking of hearts and soul ties, the healing of deep, deep wounds, and all the while, the newfound feeling of a steadfast and patient love that I have never known or understood while Simon was put in my life and gently nestled into my heart.

Never has anybody so consistently represented God and His love to me.  I am often caught off guard by his gentleness and unconditional love.  Even when I hurt him, he's there waiting for me.  He is patient with me as I struggle with so much that he cannot comprehend.  He forgives me when I can't even forgive myself.

I want nothing more than to be able to give him the things he has given me.  And I have no idea where to even start.  So.  I start at the beginning.  From scratch.  Being gently led as always into the life He has for us.